Thursday, August 13, 2009

Continual Drowning

I normally write "work" related things on this blog, which is funny because my life is so integrate that I'm not always sure what is work and what is personal.

I have found this blog to be a very good way for me to process the things that are happening around me with youth work and with God. I don't actually know if anyone actually reads this stuff or not, and to me that doesn't even matter. At least there is a place where I can record what is happening with "work". There are some amazing things that God does in our midst that I have a hard time believing and I am right smack dab in the middle of it. Let alone for anyone reading this. I also keep a personal journal that I am working out things in my own life with God about - apart from being a youth worker. Today as I was writing in my own "personal" journal I was hit with something that made sense in the "work" category and so my worlds came crashing together. From my journal:

"Am I drowning? I don't think I am. But in most situations where someone is in real trouble out in the water they dont usually think so either. Lifegaurds cant save these people until they have lost their will to fight and are simply content to be rescued. If the person is still trashing around they will only become a danger to those trying to rescue them. In the process of drowning things quickly go from being controlled and fun to out of control and dangerous. Then if I think about my life I realize that really nothing is in my control at all. Things may be calm and orderly but still out of control. In that case I really must be drowning. nothing in my life is really within my ability to control - not really. The waves can quickly sweep in and toss me around and drag me under. Although sometimes even in the peaceful waters I can still be in grave danger. If someone came up to me now and said I needed to be saved, i wouldn't believe them. I would probably thrash around and try to get away for the weirdo. But Lifegaurds know the water better than ourselves and they can spot danger far sooner than the average Joe. I'm in constant need of being saved. I am not saved - I am being saved. I also cannot save others, but I can try and tell others there need to be saved as I am being dragger to shore. Maybe I can even work with the lifeguard to help others make it back to the beach. Though I'm not a life guard myself. I can't swim away from the lifeguard unless I want to face drowning all over again. It's no wonder I cant fix anything - I'm in a heap of trouble myself. From one drowning soul to another accept the truth. The ocean of this life is crazy and out of control and will continue to be - that will not stop - but ther is one that is trying to resuce us. Lets let him do so. When we finally make it to the beach we can actually enjoy our saved life. Until then it will be a constant battle. We have no rights on how we will be treated along the way, but we must assume that the one that came to resuce us will not let us go. If we feel that way, we must have kicked and trashed enough that he has to let us wear ourselves out some more before we can continue. We are all idiots. Why do we fight being saved."
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